silent feet
Wednesday, September 8, 2010 at 11:21PM Sometimes God speaks to you in very clear, obvious ways. I love it when that happens.
I'm writing this from a condo overlooking the Pacific ocean in Rosarito, Mexico. Traci and I are celebrating our 20th anniversary. I've been looking forward to this trip for quite a while. Over the last month, I've spent a lot of time looking back over our time together, and I'm so grateful for how God put us together.
The first words out of my mouth to Traci were "Marry me." Seriously. I saw her and couldn't help myself. I was dating someone else at the time, so it didn't really go anywhere.
Months later, I was really into a song by Eberhard Weber called "Silent Feet." It is an amazing, eleven minute exploration of time and space, improvisation and composition, with a soaring spirit and brilliance of musicianship that made me cry every time I listened to it. I played it for my then-girlfriend, wanting to share my experience. She was quickly bored, and two minutes into it, asked it we could listen to something that had words instead. I said "no problem," but immediately knew I had to get out of this relationship. I was just too confused and chicken to do it.
The next weekend, I was playing at the Wichita Jazz Festival, and when I walked out on stage, Traci was in the front row. She was there to see me, though I was clueless about it. With some gentle nudging from friends, I asked her out, and we spent the evening in her car, driving around Wichita and talking. I was so amazed by her, and how much we seemed to connect and click on so many things, especially music. Only one test remained.
Around 4:00am, I pulled out the cassette tape (remember those?) and simply said "listen to this." We listened in silence for the entire eleven minutes. After it was over, she sat there for a moment and then said..."Play it again."
It was so clear. I called my girlfriend the next morning and broke up with her. It was much easier than I thought it would be before meeting Traci.
It was a clear sign, an obvious message: Go this way. You are headed in the right direction.
Now, 20 years later, two kids, and over a dozen Creative Memories scrapbooks under our belt, and our next adventure is before us: adoption. In February, not to sound too religiously rabid, but God put it on my heart that we need to adopt. So, we started the process, and two weeks ago turned in all of our paperwork. We are now waiting for the social worker to come to our house and begin the vetting process.
I am scared, nervous, excited, freaked out, exuberant, hopeful, and I keep asking myself "Are you sure it was God that told you to do this?"
Today, we spent several hours on the rooftop of our hotel watching the ocean and talking about all the details - how are we going to do this, how can we afford it, who is going to sleep in what room, will we be able to do our jobs, what about all of our debt we keep "trying" to pay off? When we get into details, I can lose sight of the bigger picture and my brain shuts down. Fear kicks in, under the guise of "rational thinking."
We came back to the room to change gears, and I was going to do a little channel flipping or watch a movie. I turned on the TV, and the movie Martian Child with John Cusack was just coming on. It is about a single dad who adopts a six year old boy, who believes that he is from Mars, as a defense mechanism to deal with the pain of abandonment.
Our social worker showed us a clip of this movie the first time she met with us. In the clip, when John Cusack's character is wrestling with the decision to adopt, he is talking with his sister who is giving him all the "rational" reasons not to. He says "I even understand the argument about not bringing another child into this world. But how can you argue against loving one who is already here?"
I watched the entire movie by myself, in tears for most of it, feeling so aware of God's presence and his Spirit telling me "Go this way. You're headed in the right direction."
I'm still freaked out, but I also have been reminded by my Father that he is in control, that he has it all worked out, and all I have to do is trust him.
Oh, and one other cool thing - I lost our copy of the Eberhard Weber album years ago, and could never find it again. Last week, before our trip, I checked one more time on iTunes, and there it was. I immediately bought it but didn't tell Traci until our first night away, when I just put it on. It was a great way to start our trip...
Reader Comments (5)
Thanks Jay for sharing this wonderful story. Anyone inspired by John Cusack is a friend of mine. Seriously-- I'm grateful that God led you two together.
What an amazing story, Jay. Thanks for sharing how God is working in your life!! I love it when God times things in just the way our hearts need to hear his voice and be reassured that he's got us, and he won't fail us.
May you enjoy these holy complications to your life!
After you told us this story a few weeks ago, I thought it was so romantic and beautiful that I wanted to share it with everyone.I'm so glad that you did.
Happy Anniversary Jay and Traci!!!!!
Thank-you for sharing that inspirational story of Love...I want to believe that will happen to me someday...until then...Your very blessed...Amen
Wait a sec...you broke up with Michelle over the phone??? Brutal. But still the right decision. You two are amongst my favorite people in the whole world...so perfect for one another.